Fashion

When all my day seemed dark, gloomy and sad

I tried to escape away the darkness

I tried to rise above this

When everyone slashed my heart with knives so cold

I tried to put it back together by sewing the edges

I tried to stitch it by threads made of light

When I found myself falling in the darkest pits of hell

I fought every dark cloud and every single chain

I fought impulses that would make me raged

When I looked at people’s eyes so fake

I tried to heal my broken heart with light so vague

I tried to fight every stone that pressed against my chest

Every time I fight some cruel thoughts of destruction

I realize that my life is not worth living

I realize that death is easy and serene

I see beneath my complex greediness

After I know that my outer layer is flashy and new

It just makes me feel impeccable

Whenever I have a bad day

Shopping is always at a bay

Makes my worries goes away

Makes me feel good not awry

Fashion is good for the soul

Not for superficial motives

But a cure for your blues

Prologue

My love-life has been in ups and downs lately, but not after the last week – everything is not gonna be the same again.



“Well I'm, I'm Mr. Lonely
I'm Mr. Caught up in between
Well you, my only sunshine
My good and bad times
It isn't fair
Yeah, I'm in love
And I'm at war
Inside my head I'm
Just not quite sure
I'm not quite sure yet

Is this the one?
That I've been waiting for all my life
Could this be the one?
That I've been lookin for all my life
Could this be the one?

Black smoke pours out your lips
And I breathe it in
I breathe you in
My beautiful girl,
My beautiful sin” - The Calling – The One (Bonus Track)

Prologue

I always wondered when I am going to be in a forever lasting relationship, for eternity. Yes its old fashioned, and that’s the kind of relationship I am looking for, the one the partners will be together till truly death do them apart. Colored by Loyalty, Passion, Sacrifices, Caring, Protectiveness, Understanding, Happiness, Compassion, Harmony, A small dose of Drama, A bigger dose of Jealousy, Honesty, Mystery, Lust, and more Loyalty.
Yes one may think that what I want is something perfect, which truly what I want, I’m a perfectionist, so it is natural to be having a high standards for a relationship.

I always wanted..…

Someone who would make my heart beats faster when I hear their voice on telephone

Someone whom I will be nervous when I am around them or when I am going to see them

Someone, I would choose my words precisely and weight them before I speak for fear of saying something imperfect

Someone I would care and protect them in return

Someone who can take my worries, pain, and depression by just saying a sincere compliment

Someone I can show off my friends, be proud, and make them feel envious

Someone who will support my every mistake and stand by my misfortunes

Someone who knows everything about me and will proceed to know more

Someone who is fun yet downright sophisticated

Someone whom I can wipe away their tears and shield them behind my back

Someone I can look into their eyes and say that I love them without getting bored of saying it

Someone I can hold their hands every time for years and still feel the electricity it triggers between us

Someone I would shiver when I hear someone calls their name

Someone I would start a fight defending them

Someone whom when they look at me, leave me breathless

Someone I would stay up all night waiting for them to come online

Someone whom I will be willing to change for

Someone when they surprise me, will leave me speechless

Someone who will make me feel excited just by smiling

Someone who will make my heart pounce just by doing something silly as liking a photo of mine on Facebook

Someone who will not get bored of my clinginess or my constant phone calls

Someone who will tolerate my jealousy and would erase my suspicion

Someone who will keep an eye for me only, even in the presence of other good looking guys

Someone who will know my tinniest details, like what my favorite drink is, or what my favorite couch at my home is, or my favorite type of chocolate

Someone who is a wild romantic at heart to the point of being cheesy

Someone who would make me feel my Adrenaline rush, when they are away

Someone who will give me rupturing butterflies in my stomach when we touch

Someone I can cuddle and hug them when they are sad, afraid, or alone

Someone who will care to watch my favorite TV series to catch up with me

Someone who will go through my Blog, Facebook, or my texts from start to end

Someone I will save their messages on a secret folder and don’t get worn off reading them

Someone whom I can forgive even if they triggered my ugliest bad side

Someone who will be able to forgive me at all costs

Someone whom will make me shameless doing crazy stuff with them

Someone whom I will feel confident and brave around them to gain their pleasure

Someone whom is secretive to the grave

Someone who is like my first love

Someone whom I can be their savior

Someone who will want the same

Someone who will care to read this

As you can see I do know what I really want and I do have kind of high standards, and I am that determined to find that one, again.
I don’t think it will be hard to find that kind of person, as I found her before, and I’m sure I can find her again.

● ● ●

Now I think that am very close to that someone, the last week I knew that someone could fulfill many things of the above.
So am hoping that this time will be right and true, successful.
If it is not, it’s just enough to make me happy till the end and continue searching again.
And Nothing Will Ever Be The Same Again.

My Twin

For every change I rekindle

The shifts of the Earth dwindle

Anxiety prevails in a dark haze

Another one from another space

Buzzing in the air with numbness

The old replaced by the new

To know thyself after you

Confused by their many faces

Perplexed by their wide graces

Hungry for wisdom, knowledge, and power

Empty like a shell that has lost its animal

Got wrapped around this smooth water

Stepping out in the sun of the twilight

Seeing the full moon of the midday

The ever shining stars of the midnight

Twins are hopping joyfully in the garden

Holding the trident

Trying to trap

That old crab

Saint or sinner

Am no better

Sourness or bitter

Will fulfill my mind

Every second passing

Aches and takes away

The death of thy old self

Painful and comforting

Sweets and spices

Day and night

Angels and demons

Black and white

Red and blue

Me and myself

Shall not speaketh

About this ever changing curse

Of everything you felt alow

Ere the dusk sayeth the lord

This hither is much better

Iwis they will come after one

Sith the dark days they are swith

You have to yede to your mind

Your dark abyss

Your consciousness

Wist thyself

As angels speaketh thy name

You shall reign in vain

You pitiful little egad

I’m not one but I’m many

I change every whim and every query

Slippery like water

Can’t hold me, like air

thou shalt not catch me

Ever changing, erewhile can’t define me

Many personas you won’t tackle

Athwart me you will see void

Two hearts, two souls

Two life paths

Many personas, One mind

One day deceive the ere day trust

Revel in mayhem and pranks

Eft full of eloquence and wit

Will sometimes break but always bend

Afore laughter then tears

The best friends you can know

They knoweth the ebb and flow

Your trusted friend or your worst foe

Long time agone represented by the twins

We are the Gemini

Life is a never-ending road of discovery, learning, and development. Knowledge Is Power. Know yourself.

I always struggled to understand myself; I don’t trust myself at all though I’m confident and self-controlling. I know that I have something like a multiple-personality disorder or something and I’ve been ignoring it for the fun of it!

How can I be able to get to know myself when it is really hard to define myself?

My beliefs, my tastes, opinions, words, approaches, likes, dislikes, passions, obsessions, hobbies, favorites, choices, and everything shifts and changes according to my “Mind” , not like everyone says according to their “Mood”. I’m not moody. Period

I feel like I have four or more personas in me! I swing easily full loaded from Sinner to Born-Again Saint! From Bitch to that All-The-Time-Angry-Person! From Lazy Blondie to the All-Obsessed-Maniac! From the Sports Nerd to the Book Nerd! From the Hopeless romantic to the Man-Slut! (It gets intensely bad, as I have heavy Plutonian influences)

Yeah those are all me probably you just witnessed or knew two or one of those the whole time you knew me. They shift every day, sometime between midday and twilight, when I hear that click. I don’t have any control. But I know that one of my “twins” is kicking in and I can’t help it. Everyone’s personality is like a one diamond that has many facets (aspects), that’s normal. After that click I don’t remember anything about the previous twin.

But what’s not normal is mine, not only one diamond with facets but two diamonds with their own facets! It’s pitiful, isn’t it?

Especially because those things that kick in are totally opposite, like when the “Sinner” is taking over, I smoke, drink, fool around, cheat, scheme. But when “Saint” is taking over, I’m Germophobic, kind, loyal, friendly, I quit everything perverse, I stay pure, or born-again pure, and I have nightmares about going back to smokingL!

I don’t know why I change that way but it’s very true for the GWOO (the Gemini Window Of Opportunity), it’s very critical, lasts from 30 seconds to a couple of days―no longer. It’s offered to the potential subjects of the Gemini, if they got late, if they didn’t respond, if they ignored it, then they have missed it. Forever.

Don’t worry, no matter how hard you try , That Gemini has completely forgot and lost interest in you, he doesn’t even remember you, that’s why you will find him another one, a different personality, he lost interest, forever, he might even be pursuing someone else now. That’s why I keep changing, the first personality I’ve met you with is definitely not the same one I’m treating you with now, that’s why everyone got to see a different personality not everyone see all the personalities.

I can control it, but it’s hard, so I just leave my “self” to do whatever it wants, shift or no shift. It’s okay. I got used to trying to be used to it! At least it builds up mystery, to keep people guessing, to keep them excited, intrigued. I just don’t like revealing stuff about me, so that’s a very good camouflage.

I’m just grateful that I can still understand myself and know why I behave this way. I’m a Gemini. Deal with it. Take it or leave it. I come as a package with an Expiry date that will soon end just to begin another one.

First Taste

Friday 21st of August-2009:

My crush called me in the very morning around 3am, lets call her "E". She is a Capricorn with a Cancerian Moon and living far away from me. it was so sweet that she called to check upon me in that hour and saying "good night", she was sitting home watching t.v and was going to sleep, she asked what I'm doing like every call and asked me if I want anything. The call lasted 8 minutes but it was longer than that in my mind. It made me really happy that I knew I will be going out with her soon( I don't know If it will be a date or not)

11:30 pm : After my way back from City Stars Mall (the shopping routine!), I caught my nose bleeding while I was in the car. But it wasn't bleeding from my nose hole, but from the middle of the nose bridge,weird huh? especially when it was bleeding and I never noticed a cut, I wept it many times that it didn't stop the bleeding though. It kept generating blood, having been obsessed with this new T.V series " True Blood" which have Romance, Vampires, and Blood!
it hit my mind to try tasting my own blood and experiment!

I picked some of the bleeding on my hands but it was too much, First I smelt it, But it didn't smell, same metallic smell but that time it was very weak. I tasted it with the tip of my tongue, it was tasteless, I licked it, one lick after the other,taking every time bigger amounts.
And to my surprise it tasted good, nearly sweet and very sugary that tastes like that rose hydrosol my mother sometimes put in her drinking water but fainted! no iron! (couldn't believe it!)

I liked it a lot, that I licked all the blood on my hands and fingers, my friends in the car starring at me in disgust and shock, but I wasn't caring much for that either.

It had a strange effect on me, new. As I licked every drop, I could see weird images in my mind that when combined together looked like visions or dreams but are strangely vivid to my mind, the blood pulled old memories, it wasn't normal because I could also hear a part of that song (Dolphin's Cry-Live) in my mind! I didn't even memorize this song to remember it that way vividly now.

It triggered full blown memories of one of my best friends, I was shocked by the memories and confused, So I just shrugged them off, because I was really enjoying the taste to my surprise. But my friends starting and asking me of what the hell I was doing, besides the "yucks" and "ewws" they gave me, So I stopped by my will.

Leaving the rest of the blood frost on my nose, it was red black dark blood, that I couldn't erase it anymore with my bare hand, so I left it till I got home to clean it up, all my family starring at me ,at my now black blood stained nose! of course I didn't tell them first what that was, I used my stingy sense of humor to play some tricks on my mother at first but eventually I told them the truth =)


I can't believe how tasting my own blood brought some memories, and why those especially? and how come I liked the taste? I always abhorred the scent of blood, being able to smell it from a distance, or is it only my blood that I liked? I think I'm starting to develop something new, a fetish, or something for my own blood! keeping in mind that I didn't taste anyone's else blood, so I don't know if it will taste the same. But it was really good! I want to try it again, because I want to feel the same effect again, it was so good that I can't remember it when I try to recall it again!

Euphoric mood swirls around
In full circles that has no end
Midnight melodies tickles my ear
Making my heart happy, I believe
A drop of blood races down my nose
Others on their way like a water hose
Black, reddish, warm, and scentless
I tasted it, slowly but carefully
roses and sugar, that was the taste
Coloring my senses with visions, so dazed
Licking it, tasting it, being addicted
Shocking to me, I liked it
And I wondered if it will last
And if other blood types are the same
Or thats what I get
When I try it at first
My first taste

Flattery

Thursday 20th August-2009:
(Note: first I'm sorry that my posts are posted here late than their actual date, thats why I write the actual dates before every late post).

Everything seems getting better and better than yesterday and the day before. I saw A.G and as I greeted coldly and as if A.G was no none or as if we weren't that close, I could feel that A.G was confused and stoned. I felt a lot of relief doing this!

something really irritated me that day or not only that day, but since forever. I just didn't learn to respond or accept compliments, I just can't, you can't believe how hard it is for me. Don't get me wrong but sincere compliments loosen my heart and give me some tickling I crave from time to time. But still I can't respond and I can't seem to accept them from a lot of people...serious problem,no?

Well today I've been called "Hot" not less than three times and god knows how I felt as much as I was excited and content of the compliment I was also feeling really disturbed and twice disturbed at how to reply, That I settled down saying absolutely nothing (sometimes I change topics!).

Just the image of two or three people at the same time showering me with compliments when I see them really is very very hard to me.I like compliments, a lot! But when they are Short, Sweet, and Sincere. Flattery is one of my secret weaknesses, and it is a double-edged sword for me. If it was too much or fake (I can spot those too!) they do me the negative effect; the disturbing effect that makes me immobile. While the other is just the opposite! When someone follows the "3 magical S's" it melts my heart and that person ends up scoring points with me. It proves the saying that says "Flattery will get you anywhere with a Libra!".

So I was wondering what shall I say to those compliments? The kind that leaves you speechless and disturbed, the bad ones, how to respond? Kindly please post in the comments section your ideas (anonymously if you want)

Sweet nothings wash over me
showering me from every direction
As I stare at it in surprise
I stand there quiet immobile
My heart beats audible
My tongue tied cold
Scanning it upside down
I can sense its sincerity
I felt good but unshaken
though it was sweet and faithful
every time it shed some light
on my fathomable part
mortified,hot young bitch
Laughing at you when you gush

Pain

Clouds and mists form

my mind losing grip

Blackness surrounds me

All the world sadness

doesn’t measure up to me

Why should I keep rebirthing

Nothing lasts forever

I touched the cold metal

Of my razor so sharp

Unwillingly but thoughtfully

Pressed it with my cold fingers

Smoothly moving it from side to side

Searing pain sings in the air

Taking my breath away

Warm blood races down my chest

Its smell fills the air painfully

New at this I dropped the razor

I laid on the cold wooden floor

Falling into the drops of blood

Nearly fainting from disgust

Losing my blood as I’m losing you

A part of my soul goes away

Clouds and mists blocks my vision

Leaving me in weakness and sorrow

Wednesday 19th of August-2009:
Here I am Leaning on my comfy bed with my cut and bruises I inflicted into myself that day, after shutting off the alarms that rang to wake me up to go to the gym, just like every morning but I didn’t go this time, I kept hanging in my home in those wee hours of the morning. Nothing changed from yesterday, I still feel the same; I still feel that dark depression with a less-than-yesterday-sharp-pang-of-unsatisfaction. I can’t still grasp yesterday (Tuesday, 18th-2009), I’m trying to erase it from my mind and move on with my life. But H-Hey, this is my life!

Well yeah those little things picked up and got to my very sensitive soul (yeah I’m very sensitive from inside and I bet you didn’t expect it, because am so good at hiding and also as good at making you believe that poker face I act upon you)

What makes it worse that A.G didn’t call, and I haven’t seen my so-called crush. No, No that’s fine I can handle this. I have been through a lot of worse shit. What makes it really worse is experiencing this intensity of my emotions every single bit magnified, As I listen to this song (Already Gone-Kelly Clarkson) I lose my senses into it, and I feel that it speaks some of the words on my lips that are left unsaid, Really it affected me badly,to my amazement because I always disliked her,never imagined that It had almost made me break down. I regret it. Totally.

I guess that is the end of ever talking to A.G Although I haven’t ever thought of it ending too soon, reading it or not, I don’t care. I don’t think that A.G follows my Blog. I just will let you take anything away but my Pride. I guess you were brought into my life this past month and a half to help me in one of my “Rebirth” phases only, and you did, that’s why I feel we have to depart now. But I can’t get over those little things. I just keep listening to this God Damn song over and over. It has A LOT of what I want to say, I put it on my playlist and turned repeat on!(I never liked Kelly Clarkson!)

I rarely break down, Am mad that something that small and stupid like a song would affect me that greatly, I never been a Cry-my-heart-out Person! I always thought of myself as strong and in control of my emotions.

I Think and I Feel that I should stop talking to A.G from now on, and if I met you and of course I will be it tonight or tomorrow I will show you my evil twin, I will give you a taste of “how it feels when you look at the person you knew to find out totally someone else”..I pity you- Like all my enemies, in advance! And I will proceed to chase my crush no matter how it would look like I don't care if it didn't work i will find another but I'm sure it will because everything i determined to have i had(without being a pompous person!) those couple of friends and what they did on that Tuesday I will forgive them,for now.