I used to be a very ambitious, determined, hopeful, optimistic kind of guy. Now after I gave up on all my dreams, hopes, visions, and everything I knew I can get of this life. I gave up on them by my will.
That feeling I have been feeling lately, it made a dark gloom over my soul and life, it tears my heart and soul apart, a day at a time. Although I still linger on the memories when my life was very innocent, simply, and happy at stupidest things now they don’t even matter to me, as my happiness is entwined and dependent on someone I love now, and I would never be the same again, I will never be happy at those things that used to make me happy before I fell in love.
I guess that’s what you get when all your life is dependent on love, as it controls your happiness, and has power over you, that’s what I was insecure from at the beginning and I knew it’s a bittersweet feeling, I didn’t care about it, I knew I would be more happy, and I am. Nothing can make me as happy or sad except this love.
But its almost 6 months now, and I have been depressed all that time, I lost all my friends and the people who truly cared about me, and everything that mattered or didn’t matter, and my life, I lost and sacrificed all these for the love of my life and I’m not ashamed or in regret, as I did this by my will too. And I knew that my love would be my whole life, my friends, my family, my best friend, my everything. And that is the truth.
And I also knew that at a point if I lost that love I would lose all my friends, family, best friend and everything, I would be all alone, no one who would care about me , that was one of my biggest insecurities about relationships, and that’s what I feel now every time I lose my partner whom I love, as my partner is my priority in everything. When my partner leaves, I find myself with nothing and nothing I can find for myself but hollow.
It aches so fucking bad, and it makes me feel even worse writing this on paper in front of my eyes, as these are the facts now.
The latest 6 months have been very bad for me, no one can make it better only worse, only this one who can make it heaven or hell.
It aches that I’m lonely, as I lost all my friends, it aches that I’m invisible no one truly cares about me. It aches that I’m weak, very weak when it comes to my love. It aches that I’m broken, tortured and been through a lot. It aches as my love doesn’t care about me, it aches as that love doesn’t love me as they used to, it aches as I don’t matter anymore to that love, it aches as that love chose their friends over me. It aches as I feel so alone most of the times. It aches that I lost myself. I won’t be able to find myself again without this love. it aches writing this now.
And I can’t blame anyone for this ache or loss, but myself, as I did this with full awareness, the intense choices I gave myself, the intense sacrifices I made, the intense decisions I made for myself, and the intense steps I took or different paths I took to be with that love. I nearly gave my life up. I totally don’t regret this, as bad as I feel now, it definitely makes me feel alive, and have a purpose that I did all this for someone I care about, and loved and still love with my all heart to do these things by myself for them without any second guessing. It makes me feel the intensity that runs through my veins, heart. The intensity of how I feel toward this person, and the impulsiveness and ruthlessness of my heart over my soul and mind.
I feel like I’m a zombie now, without any brain, or even heart, my body is corrupted with the love I have for this person, it controls my thoughts, actions and my whole being.
That love sacrificed their big part of their life for me too, they did everything to make me happy when I least appreciated it in the past, and they cared about me when no one of my friends did. Now I nearly lost all these privileges from the one I love, and I don’t think I will get them back anytime soon or ever. It’s hard to think that this is what I’m in now cause that one stopped caring about me or loving me as they used to. I always believed and I know for a fact that true love never dies even if whatever happened.
I’m scared, I’m alone, it’s the most terrible feeling I have ever felt in my whole life. And I wish I can go back, or I wish right now to have someone who truly care about me.
After reading all what I wrote it looks pathetic, gay, weak, and I want to spit on that person I became now, I never been that weak. I hate myself. I fought every impulse of deleting this, but writing is now my only way to express my feelings. And this paper or blog is the only thing that can ‘listen’.