Impact

It's not just a physical connection, it felt like we were one body with one heart beating.
And our souls were out of our bodies joined together as one in a powerful passionate vortex
That is destructive but also healing.
A raw energy that reached its top, with every inch in my body vibrating with ecstasy.
Being connected deeply, with butterflies fluttering in my stomach.
and hormones of happiness being released.
A spiritual-made connection on so many levels.
Nothing else matters, everything was frozen and for a moment I became one with the universe releasing colorful spectrum of new born energies into the ether.
Every feeling was magnified and that connection is what proves that you are alive, and is the manifestation of love.
Not ordinary but that special impact that you might have with your soul mate.

~~Loneliness~~

I used to be a very ambitious, determined, hopeful, optimistic kind of guy. Now after I gave up on all my dreams, hopes, visions, and everything I knew I can get of this life. I gave up on them by my will.

That feeling I have been feeling lately, it made a dark gloom over my soul and life, it tears my heart and soul apart, a day at a time. Although I still linger on the memories when my life was very innocent, simply, and happy at stupidest things now they don’t even matter to me, as my happiness is entwined and dependent on someone I love now, and I would never be the same again, I will never be happy at those things that used to make me happy before I fell in love.

I guess that’s what you get when all your life is dependent on love, as it controls your happiness, and has power over you, that’s what I was insecure from at the beginning and I knew it’s a bittersweet feeling, I didn’t care about it, I knew I would be more happy, and I am. Nothing can make me as happy or sad except this love.

But its almost 6 months now, and I have been depressed all that time, I lost all my friends and the people who truly cared about me, and everything that mattered or didn’t matter, and my life, I lost and sacrificed all these for the love of my life and I’m not ashamed or in regret, as I did this by my will too. And I knew that my love would be my whole life, my friends, my family, my best friend, my everything. And that is the truth.

And I also knew that at a point if I lost that love I would lose all my friends, family, best friend and everything, I would be all alone, no one who would care about me , that was one of my biggest insecurities about relationships, and that’s what I feel now every time I lose my partner whom I love, as my partner is my priority in everything. When my partner leaves, I find myself with nothing and nothing I can find for myself but hollow.

It aches so fucking bad, and it makes me feel even worse writing this on paper in front of my eyes, as these are the facts now.

The latest 6 months have been very bad for me, no one can make it better only worse, only this one who can make it heaven or hell.

It aches that I’m lonely, as I lost all my friends, it aches that I’m invisible no one truly cares about me. It aches that I’m weak, very weak when it comes to my love. It aches that I’m broken, tortured and been through a lot. It aches as my love doesn’t care about me, it aches as that love doesn’t love me as they used to, it aches as I don’t matter anymore to that love, it aches as that love chose their friends over me. It aches as I feel so alone most of the times. It aches that I lost myself. I won’t be able to find myself again without this love. it aches writing this now.

And I can’t blame anyone for this ache or loss, but myself, as I did this with full awareness, the intense choices I gave myself, the intense sacrifices I made, the intense decisions I made for myself, and the intense steps I took or different paths I took to be with that love. I nearly gave my life up. I totally don’t regret this, as bad as I feel now, it definitely makes me feel alive, and have a purpose that I did all this for someone I care about, and loved and still love with my all heart to do these things by myself for them without any second guessing. It makes me feel the intensity that runs through my veins, heart. The intensity of how I feel toward this person, and the impulsiveness and ruthlessness of my heart over my soul and mind.

I feel like I’m a zombie now, without any brain, or even heart, my body is corrupted with the love I have for this person, it controls my thoughts, actions and my whole being.

That love sacrificed their big part of their life for me too, they did everything to make me happy when I least appreciated it in the past, and they cared about me when no one of my friends did. Now I nearly lost all these privileges from the one I love, and I don’t think I will get them back anytime soon or ever. It’s hard to think that this is what I’m in now cause that one stopped caring about me or loving me as they used to. I always believed and I know for a fact that true love never dies even if whatever happened.

I’m scared, I’m alone, it’s the most terrible feeling I have ever felt in my whole life. And I wish I can go back, or I wish right now to have someone who truly care about me.

After reading all what I wrote it looks pathetic, gay, weak, and I want to spit on that person I became now, I never been that weak. I hate myself. I fought every impulse of deleting this, but writing is now my only way to express my feelings. And this paper or blog is the only thing that can ‘listen’.

Dog Days Are Over

"Happiness, it hurts like a bullet in the mind"

I was listening to this song , and I wanted to share its meaning:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWOyfLBYtuU

The song starts with "Happiness" this song is about Happiness, and that the person whoever it may be was running from happiness all this time. And when happiness finally arrived the person ran from it.. "She sank it with a drink and wash it down the kitchen sink" - She washed happiness away. Main chorus "Dog days are over, dog days are done" basically saying the bad days are behind you now, and happiness has made it's way back into ones life again. "Horses are coming you better run" is to suggest that happiness is coming at you whether you like it or not, but you can keep running but happiness will be in your life again. "Happiness hurt like a bullet in the mind" to suggest that the unfamiliar feeling of happiness is hard to accept to one who has had hard times, the person has forgotten what happiness is. And any type of change in ones life is like a bullet to the mind. "Leave your loving and your loving behind you" suggests, in life most heartache is because of love, and we can't carry the heartache of love all our lives...to move forward in life you have to let things go.
But loving in the right way will make one grow. "Run fast for your mother and fast for your father" is not saying to run from them, but run to them. Run to the people who will stand by you....Show them you can take this life with all the punches it has to offer you. This song is about finding happiness again and it finding you. Hence the title of the song "Dog days are over". This song is also the theme song to the movie "Eat Pray Love" about a woman who battles depression and finds happiness in herself again....very inspirational.
from answer.com

Eternal Love

Couldn't help myself today from feeling sad at the elderly couple passing slowly in front of my eyes
the man holding his wife's arm, they looked cute and sad.
some how quickly reminded me of my grandfather, everyday i realize how much i miss him
and how much i miss his visits and his care, after that i know that he is in a much better place i can't stop missing him.
i wish those times would come back again, when i used to stay at their home, travel with him and when he used to buy me things. and his up beat fashionable sense of sweets and chocolate, his old fashioned and posh cologne and clothing.
he was the perfect grandfather any person could ever have, can't get over the fact that the best grandpa passed away, but it was expected.

I watched the elderly short couple, the red headed wife, with her too old and colorful dress that had lots of flowers, classic colors, retro patterns and their old clothes flashed me back to the 90's. they walked very slowly, helpless and weak. I watched their old clothes. how they were peacefully together, I got the vibe of surrender coming out of them, it gave me shivers up my spine, I almost spun my head around to watch them till they were out of my vision and out of the way, I was thinking to go take a walk after them, but again though I shouldn't be that in love with sorrow.

It also made me think importantly of something else, about how am i going to be like when am that old, when am with my significant other, it intensely made me think about my position with my significant other that way in a flash.
are we going to look the same way? and if we are going to be that together and still that in love and very supportive.
obviously they looked cute because they were together for a lifetime, and i still can feel the strong bond and emotions they still have...

PS: this blog post was typed today when i was sitting on one of the benches, on a note file on the blackberry after feeling those deep emotions after seeing those couple.

Dark Foreplay

I danced in graveyards
with a vampire till dawn
I bit her down into her neck
her body quivered beneath me
the smallest moan escaped her lips
as she laid here tied across me

The chains sang and rattled
as she was shaking in bondage
the blood was sliding over her
the scent of an aphrodisiac
Pulling back her from her hair
the spike of my piercing glittered in the dark

The whip slid over her lacy blouse
across her stomach and up her arms
sometimes cracking into her skin
leaving marks all along her palms

I ran my tongue over every wound
savoring the blood on my lips
she sighed to tempt me to do some more
as she shuddered at the touch of my lips

She pulled against the fur cuff and chains
the bond connecting her to the forbidden
the metal studs on my leather belt rip across her
with all the pain, her body treasure

I kissed her and bit her rosy lips
The blood lining between the kiss
My hands and nails scratching her neck
and my tongue penetrating her mouth

Held her down so to be still
the spikes on my black bracelet shined
raising my leather boots into her vagina
ecstasy and pain transforming together

Smelling her personal scent and odor
her black nail polished fingers caressing me
the chair was covered with sexual fluids
and lust was booming in the night air

But I wasn't sexually satisfied yet
thinking of evil ways to start again
start the vortex of dark sexual energy
till I get transcendentally peaked

After the third orgasm she is begging
to stop abusing her and taking her
temptation is full in her eyes
And I want to eat her genitalia

running the knife unto her cleavage
blood droplets going down and under
squeezing and draining her energy
in a pleasurable sadism of the soul

She is totally drained and missing
the sun is coming up after minutes
I can't seem to let her leave , I cant let her go
I'm not full yet, only half way satisfied

In your eyes I see myself fading
As I saw our dark future together
As the sun is burning me now
Funny how your pour the red wine.

Spark

Met You on Halloween's
disguised and shadowed
wouldn't recognize ourselves
coincidentally in grace
spent time and got close in a flash
as if you knew me from too long
two weeks of acidic misery
insomniac nights and weak pity
every feeling that i got
and everything i felt
I still haven't loved you yet
Wouldn't think that I will find you
Your smile is engraved in my memory
Kept holding onto you
Butterflies and adrenaline in my veins
desensitized and mesmerized
by your auric field and presence
sparks burning in the air
your eyes penetrating mine
I can see right into you
intense energy swirling around me
passionate dreams of lusty embrace
sensing your moods smelling your scent right

Eleven Minutes

Lying down on my stomach, reading my book, topless and wearing my shades, sun is blazing against my bronze skin; sweat is dripping from my head. Reading the magnetic lines of the book that is touching my very soul making me feel shivery and cold inside despite all the hotness and heat of the sun at noon. It activated something inside of me. Of which I cannot get to put my hands on it yet, but it feels like an awakening. As I was in the last 10 pages of the book, its ending touched me intensely as strong as the whole novel, the writing style, the twists, the imagery, the feelings and the plot is very deep and is pure. It made me think about the subject at hand according to my life not the novel’s subject which is apparent on the surface to superficial readers which is prostitution, while the deeper subject or meaning behind this novel is sacred sex or the sacred essence of creation, which is love. Eleven Minutes is a piece of art. True love is very deep and has to do with the souls not bodies or minds, its related to fate rather than coincidence and human plans. it is very strong that it can survive time, and it can change people to the better, make them more adaptable, and sensitive, full of ‘light’. I don’t know if I found my soul mate yet or not, and I don’t know if I had mine and lost it a long time ago, maybe there are many soul mates for everyone for every stage in their life, or maybe there is only one in a life time. I don’t think I will be looking anymore for butterflies, palm sweat, teenage hormones, or reckless mistakes and foggy future.